A dark soul at the end of the tunnel of light

I am trying to write an article of substance for a travel website, yet I keep getting sidetracked by the unbearable insincerity I fear it reeks of. Ugh... so I take a break to vent my frustrations and express my continual amusement at this love, hate affair I am currently having with life.

I woke up this morning, computer still on and open, sun pounding through my thin glass window panes and realized; I had slept for 13 hours! 13 hours?! What happened? I hadn't been drinking, hadn't had any sort of strenuous day to speak of... just apparently slept for 13 hours. I literally crawled out of bed, threw on some clothes, grabbed my computer and headed for the door. Groggy from the 13 hours of sleep, I was desperate for coffee.. and none of this 3 in 1 nescafe shit I had spewed around my house, but a proper cup of coffee. So, cheesy, flaky pastry purchased, morning chat with my favorite barrista completed and now comfortably sitting in the sunshine, I am uninspired and annoyed, yet caffeinated, so life's not too bad. Trying to write, I find myself preoccupied by the comings and goings of anorexic, BMW driving Turkish women, poorly dressed German tourists and the creepy bӧrek vendor who keeps staring at me and smiling in that not-so-charming kinda way. My body still aches, in unexplainable ways, but too frustrated to even contemplate popping another antibiotic into my mouth I dabble with detox... ah yes, a grand idea indeed, as I stare at my nearly empty cup of coffee... knowing all too well I will soon be purchasing another. Perhaps tomorrow I will start? Or return to the doctor...

Anyway, enough about that already. The first afternoon call to prayer has begun which means this day is steadily progressing while I have achieved absolutely nothing of substance and only have a few more hours until I have to peddle myself off to 'work'. Living in the Mediterranean however always feels like I'm on holiday... especially when it's 18C in February... like why should I be working? Shouldn't I be swimming? Or having a cocktail by the harbor, people watching and 'not smoking' cigarettes? Really difficult to take anything seriously here, when you feel as if you are on perpetual holiday. Ah, my life is absurd. I can't even remember the last time I had to get up before 9am and spend the day 'at work'. I have been traipsing across cities for so long, working a few hours here, a few hours there... working from cafes, or simply not working at all. Some may say my work ethic has gone to shit, and honestly, I suppose I'd have to agree. I passively seek out more work; flirting with the idea of taking a proper teaching job up in Istanbul, or actually getting hired at one of the many NGOs I have sent inquiries off to around the globe... writing more, procrastinating less, saving money and perhaps even contemplating a 'real' relationship... I flinch and sigh - go do yoga girl, find some grounding and carry on with your day. Sometimes trying to live in the present as opposed to projecting into the future or revealing in the past can be a very difficult job indeed... there has got to be a way to get paid for this kind of commitment, seriously.