A white coffee cup with a green label that always reminds me of the early 1990's.
sesame seeds from my glutinously consumed tahini pastry - I wipe them away as soon I notice them so as not to look like too much of a pig... especially when surrounded by the posh, Turkish nouveau riche.
An ashtray overflowing with smashed butts and ash from this table's previous occupant.
A computer screen that reflects more of 'me' than the many articles, conversations I am having and of course the sentences I am trying to construct. I realize I have forgotten earrings this morning - also that I like the wavy-ness of my hair and the neckline of my t-shirt. I notice that I look older than the photos I had been looking at earlier in the day - photos from 2006; which seem like yesterday but was apparently five years ago... so I suppose it makes sense that I have aged... but I'm not too sure how I feel about this at the moment. I put my sunglasses down from the top of my head so I stop looking at my reflection in the computer screen - but then I can also no longer see what I am doing, so they get returned to their resting place and I try to ignore the strange woman staring down at her keyboard.
Two men in their early 30's are sitting under an umbrella, engaged in a govial conversation which occasionally erupts in laughter as one shares something from his iphone: an email, an article, an sms... I can't make out the finer details - but I enjoy watching them smile and carry on so lightheartedly. The one being read to smokes frantically, as if he must be finished with his cigarette before the story comes to an end. I relate to the man reading and realize I currently have no one to obnoxiously share all of my interesting article finds with. I suppose I could call up my previous victim and veraciously read him as much as I could before my phone credit ran out... but then I see I don't actually HAVE any phone credit, so I must leave that thought for now.
A group of women have just sat down in the sun, coffees and cakes purchased. They are dressed to true Sunday-morning-Turkish-perfection... that is to say - immaculately. No hair flies out of place, red lipstick meticulously painted on lips that look a bit collegian enhanced... and as I look around me, I realize most of these women look a bit 'enhanced'.
Multiple conversations, iced-coffee, cigarette smoke and cologne swirl around this sunny patio. Shiny designer sunglasses, large expensive watches and handbags capture my attention as a jet flies past - dangerously close.
The jet takes my attention further afield and I think of how beautiful it must be to fly into Antalya. My late night flight robbed me of that experience, but it's pretty amazing in my mind.
I fixate on the sea as it glimmers in the distance and the mountains emerge magnificently from the blue water. I wonder what I am doing sitting in a cafe when I really should be swimming in those waters... I wonder if six weeks of healing is long enough for my broken foot to be ready to brave the rocks of the Mediterranean shores... a tinge of pain stirs in my foot - as if to say, "give it time".
I usually ignore 'sage advice' - and so it is with this that I must close up my laptop for the day and follow my desire to be closer to the water - no, to be in the water - floating undisturbed and victorious along with the fishes.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Remembering: living 18 years with you and 10 without
28 today and the spring ground is saturated again
I sink deep into furrows of earth – careful to avoid the worms and snails that slither about, oblivious of my presence
My mind drifts to you as I walk down seashore and slippery pavement, past stray screaming kittens, obnoxious street-food vendors and the occasional 'misplaced' chocolate bar wrapper
Like most days – you are everywhere and nowhere, all at once
As I walk, I imagine what you would now look like
I seek out features similar to your own in the people I walk past
I configure the older you through memories of a teenage boy once known – I mix them with images of maturity and strength
I fill you out, give you scraggly sideburns, and perhaps a wee bit of orange stubble that makes you look your age – which without, leaves people assuming your are much younger than your wise 28 years
I put you in tighter clothes than you once wore – loose fitting trousers, a slightly snug, artsy black t-shirt and stylishly scuffed puma sneakers
I give you short 'messy' hair and a confident saunter
Your eyes are the same – kind and well-intended. The only difference being they have ever-so-noticeable lines toward the sides, matching the worry lines on your forehead, which have already been there for some years now
As I construct you, I drift off into memories unrealized
I giggle as I remember conversations had over cocktails in your favorite bar in Kyoto – the one you always talked about as we chatted on Skype into the wee hours of the night and were finally able to take me to when I visited you for that lovely two weeks in May
We talked about the girl you were in love with, you sought out my advice – which happily, I gave, and you took it, or left it as you saw fit
I remember the time we stayed up till morning one year, home for Christmas – we laughed until we cried, as we reflected on the mistakes and misgivings of our past – our childhood which seemed so far away - but when home, in the house of our youth, always felt like only yesterday
Joyously lost in memory creation, I loose footing and stumble back into the reality I am today, reluctant to inhabit
the rain pounds heavy and I seem to have missed my turn-off on my windy road home
I backtrack and leave you, for now
Perhaps tonight you'll visit me in dreams – perhaps this time you'll look more like how I think you should look, instead of always appearing as the little boy of a life once lived, so long ago
I sink deep into furrows of earth – careful to avoid the worms and snails that slither about, oblivious of my presence
My mind drifts to you as I walk down seashore and slippery pavement, past stray screaming kittens, obnoxious street-food vendors and the occasional 'misplaced' chocolate bar wrapper
Like most days – you are everywhere and nowhere, all at once
As I walk, I imagine what you would now look like
I seek out features similar to your own in the people I walk past
I configure the older you through memories of a teenage boy once known – I mix them with images of maturity and strength
I fill you out, give you scraggly sideburns, and perhaps a wee bit of orange stubble that makes you look your age – which without, leaves people assuming your are much younger than your wise 28 years
I put you in tighter clothes than you once wore – loose fitting trousers, a slightly snug, artsy black t-shirt and stylishly scuffed puma sneakers
I give you short 'messy' hair and a confident saunter
Your eyes are the same – kind and well-intended. The only difference being they have ever-so-noticeable lines toward the sides, matching the worry lines on your forehead, which have already been there for some years now
As I construct you, I drift off into memories unrealized
I giggle as I remember conversations had over cocktails in your favorite bar in Kyoto – the one you always talked about as we chatted on Skype into the wee hours of the night and were finally able to take me to when I visited you for that lovely two weeks in May
We talked about the girl you were in love with, you sought out my advice – which happily, I gave, and you took it, or left it as you saw fit
I remember the time we stayed up till morning one year, home for Christmas – we laughed until we cried, as we reflected on the mistakes and misgivings of our past – our childhood which seemed so far away - but when home, in the house of our youth, always felt like only yesterday
Joyously lost in memory creation, I loose footing and stumble back into the reality I am today, reluctant to inhabit
the rain pounds heavy and I seem to have missed my turn-off on my windy road home
I backtrack and leave you, for now
Perhaps tonight you'll visit me in dreams – perhaps this time you'll look more like how I think you should look, instead of always appearing as the little boy of a life once lived, so long ago
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
28
The memory of you is entangled deep within my DNA
And even though I no longer am able to feel your presence – your very existence burns blue – firery and dreamlike
For years I have searched for you in vain – under rocks and around every corner I have sought refuge from the emptiness I have been left with
I have found pieces of short orange hair, dust and pebbles, but not much more
Sometimes I still think I see you walking down the street – always faster than I seem to be able to go.
I used to try and catch up... but now I keep my pace, letting the mirage of you continue, unhindered or disturbed.
I know I will never again find you here – so have stopped looking
In the beginning, minutes without you used to pass like days, as time seemed to slow to a painfully unavoidable halt - where every moment burned like fire and cut like razor wire
But the curse of time is also kind, and as it passes, the void I am left with doesn't always seem so black
For years I have clung to this darkness – I've named it, and like a pet I've dragged it around – fed it and let it sleep in my bed
I kept it close, in hopes it would keep me closer to you
and I held my head high, as I chastised the ones who let themselves live in the darkness – proud of the fact that I merely kept mine as a pet – as if this was better, healthier and wise
But just like you, even the best of pets must die
and so I try to bury my darkness, instead of letting it define my existence
Out of the darkness I want to emerge radiant – embracing your memory and your short, but marvelous life - as you are implanted, embedded, engraved eternally in my soul
through thoughts, memories and laughter, you live on within me and all the lives you've touched
So I have let you go, so that I can live
And even though I no longer am able to feel your presence – your very existence burns blue – firery and dreamlike
For years I have searched for you in vain – under rocks and around every corner I have sought refuge from the emptiness I have been left with
I have found pieces of short orange hair, dust and pebbles, but not much more
Sometimes I still think I see you walking down the street – always faster than I seem to be able to go.
I used to try and catch up... but now I keep my pace, letting the mirage of you continue, unhindered or disturbed.
I know I will never again find you here – so have stopped looking
In the beginning, minutes without you used to pass like days, as time seemed to slow to a painfully unavoidable halt - where every moment burned like fire and cut like razor wire
But the curse of time is also kind, and as it passes, the void I am left with doesn't always seem so black
For years I have clung to this darkness – I've named it, and like a pet I've dragged it around – fed it and let it sleep in my bed
I kept it close, in hopes it would keep me closer to you
and I held my head high, as I chastised the ones who let themselves live in the darkness – proud of the fact that I merely kept mine as a pet – as if this was better, healthier and wise
But just like you, even the best of pets must die
and so I try to bury my darkness, instead of letting it define my existence
Out of the darkness I want to emerge radiant – embracing your memory and your short, but marvelous life - as you are implanted, embedded, engraved eternally in my soul
through thoughts, memories and laughter, you live on within me and all the lives you've touched
So I have let you go, so that I can live
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